When a teenager shrugs off your questions with “I don’t care,” it’s rarely about apathy. Psychotherapist Ashley Costello reveals the hidden emotions behind those words and how to help them reconnect with what matters most.
It’s a familiar scene in many households: you ask a teenager about their homework, a falling-out with a friend, or an important choice, and they respond with a shrug and “I don’t care.”
On the surface, it can feel frustrating — even infuriating. But often, “I don’t care” isn’t a lack of interest at all. It’s a cover for emotions they don’t yet have the words (or courage) to share.
What “I Don’t Care” Really Means
- Fear of Failure – If they admit they care, they might have to try. And trying brings the risk of not succeeding.
- Overwhelm – Life can feel like too much: school deadlines, friendship politics, online noise. Switching off can feel like the only option.
- Boundary-Setting – Sometimes, it’s a signal they want space or independence.
- Low Self-Esteem – If they don’t believe they’re capable, pretending not to care protects them from disappointment.
Case Study: Tom’s Story
Tom, 14, loved football but stopped going to training. Every time his mum asked why, he shrugged: “I don’t care.” She assumed he’d grown out of it. When they finally had a calm moment together, Tom admitted he was worried he wasn’t good enough to make the A team and didn’t want to look stupid in front of friends.
By focusing on how much fun he’d had in the past and reassuring him that enjoyment mattered more than the team he was in, his mum helped him return to training. Within a few weeks, Tom was playing again — and even volunteering to help coach younger kids. His “I don’t care” had really meant “I’m scared I’ll fail.”
Why Pushing Doesn’t Work
It’s tempting to meet “I don’t care” with “Well, you should!” But this often deepens the wall between you. Instead of pushing, step back and look for the feelings underneath.
Ways to Help a Teen Reconnect
- Listen Without Fixing – Hold space for them to talk without rushing to give solutions.
- Notice Their Sparks – Pay attention to where they do show interest, even in small ways.
- Normalise Struggle – Share your own moments of doubt or disconnection.
- Prioritise Connection – A trusting relationship makes them more likely to open up.
- Model Caring – Let them see you engage fully in things that matter to you.
The Bigger Picture
“I don’t care” is rarely the end of the conversation. It’s often an invitation — however awkwardly delivered — to look beyond the words. With patience, empathy, and genuine interest, we can help teens swap the safety of disconnection for the courage to care.
About the expert
Ashley Costello is a psychotherapist, TEDx Speaker, author of A Parent’s Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid, host of The Resilient Kid Podcast and founder of The Resilient Kid. Ashley is dedicated to supporting children’s emotional well-being and helping children build resilience and confidence. The core value at The Resilient Kid is to meet each child where they are, empowering them to thrive through life’s challenges. Ashley works with schools, parents, and coaches to support young people every step of the way. Learn more at www.theresilientkid.co.uk.
